I Remembered Me!!!

On a gorgeous moonlit night I rode my bike away from every one down to the ocean's edge on a protected island. It was more than a mile along the beach to where the inlet fed in and I rode with a big smile on my face the whole way. I stopped a few times to wade out into the surf where the moon sparkled off the top of the waves that splashed up on my face. Sure it was a bit scary to be out in the ocean alone at night but how many times had I been there before? Too many to count. If it was my time to go, it wouldn't matter where I was and what a great place to be if it turned out that it was my time.

When I finally reached the bend on the beach that curved to form the side of the inlet, I stopped. There was one finger of water that came up thirty feet higher on the beach than at any other spot and it was a fantastic place to take in the waves coming from all sides. I stretched out to moon bathe in the tide pool at the top of it.

The ocean roared and with my ears under water I found moments of relief, sweet, sweet relief from tinnitus. For those moments I didn't have to think over a loud high pitched screech and I found myself instead of straining for sanity, in the zone of a peaceful mind. The waves rolled over me like a thousand baptisms. The moon and stars were there watching me back. I had a nice, long, loud talk with God about my life and things going on in the world. And then in a moment of bliss with nothing but the  sound of waves in my head, first one then another memory of who I was before the noise washed through my mind. For the first time in a very, very long time, I remembered ME! - It felt so good. I liked me! I missed me! I wanted to be me again forever more. So I laid there for as long as I could recalling who I have been that made me who I am and how it felt to be me. It was tremendously empowering to see the person God created without distraction.

Finally a storm cloud that looked like it was full of rain started moving over the horizon in my direction and I had to head back up the beach.The wind was strong against me but it didn't stop me from riding in and out of the waves and giggling as my heart pounded with the effort. I was fully alive during those moments and I knew it! Plus the greatest gift of all was that I was taking a picture of who I really am back with me.

I realize this may sound a bit odd to forget who one is. But I think a lot of us do when we get caught up in every day life to the point that we are only going through the motions. I am sure some of my loss of self was due to that but also in my case I had forgotten so much in 1996 when I went through what I will only refer to as hell night and ended up with selective amnesia. And then just about the time I was getting most of my memories back, I got severe tinnitus.

If you've never had tinnitus, I hope you will never get it. During the first two years I thought I was going to lose my mind completely just trying to deal with it. The never ending loud and offensive stereo noise that goes off 100% of the time in my head made me at times think about what it would take to end it when there was no medical solution to be found. One of the toughest things was learning how to stay focused enough to speak through it and to remember things. Any kind of thinking in a linear fashion is almost impossible to do with the constant barrage of squeal that has to be thought over. I will probably never be the instantaneous speaker I once was and I will probably never be able to have quick responses to questions again but I remain thankful to be able to do what I still can do in spite of it. The ways it has changed my life are intense. I think one could honestly say that it is mentally crippling.

But for a couple of hours I was able to get past it and I was probably about as happy as a blind person who could suddenly see again even if for a short time. And what I could see was me. I was so thankful because I really needed that! I may forget why I feel it but I know I will carry around this power with me for a while to come. I thanked God for my life, even with the challenges, and for loving me unconditionally, just as I love God back. What fun that was!