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Hi I would if I could go back to a very specific time and not all the way back. All the way back .. no because then I wouldn't have my kids who I adore. Even though I screwed up plenty and I went through a lot of pain for it I would have to do it all again up to a certain point. The point I am thinki...
Hi I would if I could go back to a very specific time and not all the way back. All the way back .. no because then I wouldn't have my kids who I adore. Even though I screwed up plenty and I went through a lot of pain for it I would have to do it all again up to a certain point. The point I am thinking of was in the mid nineties. I truly believe if I could have used a lick of sense that my life would be incredibly different today. (sigh)
Of course my first thought is my children and grandchildren. For me to change anything I would have to go back to being three yrs old and NOT be quarantined with diphtheria for three months without seeing my parents and sister. I think I would be okay then. But being handed over to a hospital work...
Of course my first thought is my children and grandchildren. For me to change anything I would have to go back to being three yrs old and NOT be quarantined with diphtheria for three months without seeing my parents and sister. I think I would be okay then. But being handed over to a hospital worker when your three years old and you're very sick and they're giving me needles and putting tubes down my throat several times a day the entire time............a three yr old doesn't understand. It's like abandonment. Of course I wasn't, but I didn't know that. It eff'ed me up!
Wow the same kind of thing happened to my mom when she was just a little older where her parents sent her off with strangers to be dropped off at a hospital to have her appendix out. She grew up in a spot on a dirt road still to this day called "The Buzzard Roost" by local identification. Her parent...
Wow the same kind of thing happened to my mom when she was just a little older where her parents sent her off with strangers to be dropped off at a hospital to have her appendix out. She grew up in a spot on a dirt road still to this day called "The Buzzard Roost" by local identification. Her parents were simple farmers and clueless that would be anything but practical. So it was really traumatic for her too. She was still talking about it regularly up until a few years ago when I finally had a long talk with her about it. .. I'm just repeating this to you to let you know I can maybe more than some understand how devastating that kind of trauma can be for a whole life time. (My mom turned 80 last year) .......... So wow I wish I could give you a hug or something. At least you now know the necessity of it and can reason with it. But still, that must have been so scary.
Thanks Wanda! You might like this.....absolutely true to the T. When I hit 21 yrs old KNEW that something had happened to me that made me different and I was 99% sure it had nothing to do with sex. I willed myself to remember......but nothing. I'm fine now but I attempted suicide three times in ...
Thanks Wanda! You might like this.....absolutely true to the T. When I hit 21 yrs old KNEW that something had happened to me that made me different and I was 99% sure it had nothing to do with sex. I willed myself to remember......but nothing. I'm fine now but I attempted suicide three times in my twenties. When I was thirty-five I was really pissed that I could die and never know what had happened that changed my life! It wasn't fair! I was looking for doctors or nurses who may have worked at Sydenham in 1946. Nothing. I wanted them to tell me what the treatment was like. What was my day like? Etc. In 2001 Chandra Levy was having an affair with Sen Condit and she was missing. They suspected Condit of course. One of the things they did was to look at her computer to see what she had been doing before she left the apartment. She had visited the Sac Bee, Congressional Quarterly and Google. Google? What the heck was Google?? Oh, it was another search engine! I was always using search engines to look for information so I tried this one. Previously I had looked for my patient history and was told that it had been destroyed. So I Googled Sydenham and came up with this. After Sydenham closed the patient records went to Montebello. Then Montebello closed and the records WERE destroyed. But there was a lead to the National Institute of Health in Bethesda, MD and they said that they had 1 out 10 records. So I dropped everything and headed to NIH. I found the references to the boxes but I didn't know the years. So I like ordered two boxes.....they go in their archives and bring them to you.......... First box contained misc contagious diseases. All I wanted to see was just one person, a girl, three years old who had diphtheria. Then I could assume that I was treated in the same manner. Opened box #2 and it was getting interesting. Lots of stuff. And then I was sitting there holding MY original hospital records. I couldn't believe it!! It was a miracle. So I took the docs to the desk and asked for copies (100 pages) and was informed it would be like $25. So I said, "These are MY hospital records, not yours! You take the copy and I'll take the original!" Well, he said we can't do that but behind my back he called some big shot at NIH who came down to meet me. He said it was so unusual for anything like this to happen and wanted to meet me. Also said he wouldn't charge for the copies. What I learned was that I was very sick. Had severe poly-neuritis which left me unable to sit, stand, support my back etc. No use of anything. But and this is what was really important to me............almost every day they noted that I cried. Temper, they said. I would go berserk and it sounded like they held that against me. It wasn't temper! It was fear, longing for my mommy and being poked and prodded all the time and being three years old! So I knew than that I wasn't actually held by nurses except to be fed. I don't believe anyone comforted me either. I think I was warehoused by the staff because I wasn't expected to make it. But I did make it and thanks to their handiwork they screwed with my head. Sorry for this long story...........but I thought maybe you should have heard 'the rest of the story!'
You better believe that your mother's life was also changed by her experience. I don't think that doctors back then thought that children had 'feelings'. I know they didn't believe in children being depressed. I'm so sorry that your mother went through the same thing. It's so sad. They know bet...
You better believe that your mother's life was also changed by her experience. I don't think that doctors back then thought that children had 'feelings'. I know they didn't believe in children being depressed. I'm so sorry that your mother went through the same thing. It's so sad. They know better now and they encourage people to visit often and long. Of course, I had a contagious disease but today they would probably let the kid see the parents. I didn't. I'm starting to get mad! lol.......it is emotional not just for me but for all kids who had a like experience.
No because either way it turned out I'm ready to keep going forward rather than back. There are a few nights I wish i could undo but other than that I'll stick with what I did with my time.
(My message didnt take the first time.. I'll put it here..... Wow what a story! Well no wonder it affected you. Not exactly related but I know the trauma of my son being kidnapped affected him for life and he was only about two. These strong feelings of fear are so hard to sort through. Of course ki...
(My message didnt take the first time.. I'll put it here..... Wow what a story! Well no wonder it affected you. Not exactly related but I know the trauma of my son being kidnapped affected him for life and he was only about two. These strong feelings of fear are so hard to sort through. Of course kids lash out! (((Lois))) I hope talking -- or typing - about it helps. I think it is great that you can get that out in words. So many people would hold it in until it ruined them. I'm really glad that you are able to have this information for your own state of mind. So many will go through life never knowing exactly what happened to them. You need to revisit that child and comfort her! Both of you will heal. (If that makes sense)
Wow.........see there. My theory is that as soon as our brain is workable, we begin recording every sight, sound, taste, smell that our eyes see and our ears hear. That's why the brain is so convoluted.; to be able to store so much. So of course you son's experience was traumatic. And even thoug...
Wow.........see there. My theory is that as soon as our brain is workable, we begin recording every sight, sound, taste, smell that our eyes see and our ears hear. That's why the brain is so convoluted.; to be able to store so much. So of course you son's experience was traumatic. And even though he couldn't verbalize, he had that event in his mind and may have even incorporated it in his dreams. Oh.......I left out a part of the story. Actually the most important part! When my grandson was three, I was holding him outside and he was looking over my shoulder. I looked at his beautiful face and I thought, "You are so trusting! You know there will be food on the table, your bed will be warm, your parents will be with you and you'll be well taken care of and loved!" And at that moment it hit me that when I was three that's what I must have felt like. I trusted and I then it was taken away from me. And I knew that the three months in amounted to hell was and always had been derived from that experience. So I finally knew what happened even though I had always known about the hospitalization. But like everybody else, I didn't think it could affect a three year old. I used to think that when if I would know what happened to me that I would be cured! That I would be the me I was supposed to be. Didn't happen. I haven't actually talked about it for a long time. When I first wrapped it up, I thought about it constantly! I was so happy to have an answer and to know I just wasn't the 'bad seed'! I've wanted to talk to child psychologists at Hopkins (it's not that they don't know this by now) but I want them to think about how many of todays adults are struggling with this problem and think nothing of it because they were just 'kids' Oh yes.......I do envision that I hold that child and comfort her. You know! I'm glad you know. Most people don't. You have remarkable insight. Thanks!
I would like to go back to the first time I decided that joining a gang was the only way to survive. But if I did then I am sure I would not be doing what I do now helping at risk youth so it is probably the path my life was supposed to take in order for me to be able to reach those who are in the s...
I would like to go back to the first time I decided that joining a gang was the only way to survive. But if I did then I am sure I would not be doing what I do now helping at risk youth so it is probably the path my life was supposed to take in order for me to be able to reach those who are in the same hell I was back then.
I found a glitch in the replies and mine aren't taking so replying here.. Thanks! I guess the things we go through are gifts for developing insight if we look for it. People who live normal sheltered lives can't really comprehend the things people who haven't been so lucky seem to just know from exp...
I found a glitch in the replies and mine aren't taking so replying here.. Thanks! I guess the things we go through are gifts for developing insight if we look for it. People who live normal sheltered lives can't really comprehend the things people who haven't been so lucky seem to just know from experience unless they read about it or study psychology etc. You know, when I think about how many walking wounded that we have in this world from things that happened in childhood, it is really a heavy thought. Children who can continue on with that trust in the world and in love are the really lucky ones. And some of those don't turn out so well and others who go through hell some how do. I had to look up your diagnosis because I never heard of it. I'm so glad you made it! You must have a special purpose and you have been so blessed with family so hopefully through the rest of your life your rewards will someday compensate for the pain you went through. Hugs to ((((3 yr old Lois))))) I"m sorry you have to go through this, but don't worry sweety it will be ok some day....
Thanks.......when I read what I said it makes me look nuts. I'm actually not! Maybe on the inside but not outwardly. I'm fairly normal......fairly......... I always wanted to write a book titled, "A Life Unlived". May do that before they take me to the crematorium!
wow..all VERY HEAVY...I would like a chance to make better decisions but wouldn't want to lose the wisdom acquired by changing ALL mistakes ...I could be a lot more than I am now...but I can also say that I am proud of surviving my own self and the idiotic mistakes I have made(trying to get my stubb...
wow..all VERY HEAVY...I would like a chance to make better decisions but wouldn't want to lose the wisdom acquired by changing ALL mistakes ...I could be a lot more than I am now...but I can also say that I am proud of surviving my own self and the idiotic mistakes I have made(trying to get my stubborness to work in my favor instead of against me is a toughy!)...besides I am not sure who I would be right now without all of that mixed into the recipe of "ME" .....oh and Lois, I feel the EXACT same way when I look back at things I write(they must think I just got let out of my straight jacket hahaha)...then I remind myself that I can only be me and so why not try to be OK with all the crazy shizz that I feel and to just let it flow...doesn't always work but I keep trying to bring down the walls...((((hugs to y'all))))...ps not going to reread this just going to post, to me a small brave step
Thanks Kaha, Uh....yes.....heavy. Even I'm raising my eyebrows! I understand exactly what you're saying! When I think of what I could have accomplished it boggles my mind. Why don't I have a Masters? I've had about 50 years free of encumbrances but I 'didn't have the time'! Good Lord! Give me 5...
Thanks Kaha, Uh....yes.....heavy. Even I'm raising my eyebrows! I understand exactly what you're saying! When I think of what I could have accomplished it boggles my mind. Why don't I have a Masters? I've had about 50 years free of encumbrances but I 'didn't have the time'! Good Lord! Give me 50 more years and I'll build a nation! And writing IS cathartic, isn't it? I've been in a good mood for over 24 hrs! But my daughter is 52 and she feels like it's too late. But it ISN'T for her! So if you're under 55........you CAN do whatever you WANT to do. Gosh, I wish I knew me fifty years ago!
I don't think you sound crazy at all. You were traumatized as a child and those kind of things haunt us for the rest of our lives. It is good to air them out. They tend to fester when we hold them in.
I have my regrets like every body else but I wouldn't want to test myself again because I might fail a few of those tests like I came close to doing the first time around.
I would if I could go back to a very specific time and not all the way back. All the way back .. no because then I wouldn't have my kids who I adore. Even though I screwed up plenty and I went through a lot of pain for it I would have to do it all again up to a certain point.
The point I am thinki...
I'll put it here..... Wow what a story! Well no wonder it affected you. Not exactly related but I know the trauma of my son being kidnapped affected him for life and he was only about two. These strong feelings of fear are so hard to sort through. Of course ki...
I understand exactly what you're saying! When I think of what I could have accomplished it boggles my mind. Why don't I have a Masters? I've had about 50 years free of encumbrances but I 'didn't have the time'! Good Lord! Give me 5...