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SCHULTZ’S RULES FOR BLISSFUL DRIVING IN MOST OF WHAT STILL REMAINS OF WHAT WAS ONCE REFERRED TO AS THE “CIVILIZED WORLD”


 


R. A. Schultz


 


Many years ago, while I still resided on Long Island, I heard a radio commercial stating that So-and-So Insurance Company “Only insures good drivers.”  So I called, and spoke with a nice young lady who asked me some routine questions, like how long I’d been driving, if I’d had any accidents or moving violations, and the average number of miles I drove in a year.  I had been driving since age 16 and was then 30, accident- and ticket-free all that time.  When I answered her last question, there was an audible gasp because at the time I was doing a lot of interstate recreational driving as well as driving a police car not only locally but all over New York State, and my average annual mileage was between 75,000 and 100,000.  The young lady informed me that her company could not insure me because of the high mileage I drove.  Finding this more than a little confusing, I inquired just what her company considered a “good driver.”  She responded, “Someone who drives less than 9,000 miles a year.”  I retorted, “Hell!  I drive more than that backing out of my driveway.”


 


Even after retiring from the police job, I continued my membership in the high mileage club, again doing a considerable amount of interstate recreational driving as well as a lot of interstate business driving.  Florida driving is its own unique experience.  For example, it’s 832 miles over the road from Pensacola in the west end of the Florida Panhandle to Key West, or slightly more than 12 hours actual drive time, without rest, fuel, and food stops.  Also, driving on the Interstate Highway System in Florida where the maximum posted speed is 70 mph, if you’re not doing at least 80, you’re gonna get run over! 


 


With all of the driving experience I’ve had, including successful completion of no fewer than three Emergency Vehicle Operation Courses  (EVOC), and countless lectures on what not to do, I decided I might share a few general rules I’ve found it prudent to abide by, so here they are:


 


1.      Assume that every other driver on the road is either


          a.      Homicidal / Suicidal


          b.      Intoxicated


          c.       Unlicensed / uninsured


          d.      A jihadi suicide bomber


          e.      Congenitally incapable of rational thought, e.g., a progturd (Use extreme caution around any moving vehicle bearing a “Bernie” or “Hillary” bumper sticker)


          f.       All of the above


 


2.      When driving in any parking lot, especially one that’s crowded, do not exceed 10 mph.  Also keep a sharp eye out for the moron backing out of a parking space without looking.


 


3.      Tailgating is a mark of true stupidity and total absence of imagination.  Deal with the tailgating @$$hole as you see fit, but don’t be stupid about it. 


 


4.      “The Finger” should be displayed only to those exhibiting the most extreme stupidity or blithering anger, and only (for your own safety) when the receiving driver is about to turn onto a side road, unless of course you’re carrying.


 


5.      Wipers on, headlights on; slow down.  Duh!


 


6.      By far the best solution for driving on icy or snowy roads:  Don’t!  


 


7.      Don’t hog the left lane.  If you’re doing the speed limit in the left lane, congratulations!  Now move the hell over!  This is especially true in Florida and Texas!


 


8.      Slow down and move one lane away from emergency vehicles stopped on the side.  This is the LAW in Florida and several other Southern States.


 


9.      Always carry a knife (Corresponds to Gibbs’ Rule #9).  Further amplified by General ‘Mad Dog’ Mattis: “I might encounter cake.  Or I might have to stab someone in the neck.”  This is especially true if driving in New York or Los Angeles!


 


10.    Operating a motor vehicle while under the influence of alcohol or drugs is not only a crime in itself, but also indicates a total absence of imagination.  Think about it.


 


11.    NEVER hang in another driver’s “blind spot!”


 


12.    When approaching a tractor-trailer combo from behind, remember that if you can’t see the tractor driver’s mirrors, he can’t see you!


 


13.    Don’t piss off the garage attendant.


 

beachbum
Excellent! Having driven all over South Texas as a road warrior, I completely agree with everything you said. Except, never thought about the knife - will have to get one.
  • April 3, 2018
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Safari Woman
thanks! Great rules!!! I can't touch your record - but when I had a territory from Homestead FL to Ft Pierce - I especially put on the miles daily and that is one of the worse areas in the country to drive in too - that I survived it seems miraculous now lol
  • April 3, 2018
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