Appointment With Eye Surgeon Reduced Me to an Emotional Three Year Old

I was unable to sleep the night before my visit. The "what ifs" kept me awake more than the idea of what she would be doing to me for an evaluation. Actually, I passed out finally at 9:30 AM but had to get up at 10:30 AM to make the appointment. I wasn't in very good shape for it but in a way my tiredness was a gift because I was too out of it to really stress anymore at that point. 

Arriving at her office that is located above a surgery center, it struck a nerve as a big reminder of what I was there for. I've been to far too many of those to have anything but an anxious response. I sat reading through a magazine waiting to be called in and tried to push out thoughts of how tragic it would be not to be able to read anymore, or write or see my family, friends and the beautiful world God made on a daily basis. 

When I went back for the pre-exam, before meeting the doctor, I was still calm. The aide marveled at how I wasn't on any medications or hadn't had any major surgeries or disease. I had withheld anything that wasn't disease related on the forms or else it would have taken a novel to write those out. They didn't need to know about six car accidents and related issues that resulted from them or other accidents I've had resulting in surgeries. 

I think I did a little worse on the reading tests than I would have if I had been able to sleep but I wasn't there for that and didn't worry about it. When the aide picked up a metal object to measure something I asked what she was going to do with that. The minute I heard it would touch my eyes I broke out in a sweat. It had two pointed metal tips on it and all I could think of was, I'm going to flinch and she is going to poke my eye out! I had to tell her how scared I was of what she was about to do and finally she let it slide, saying that the surgeon would be looking at that anyway so it was okay that we skipped it. 

By then the fight or flight portion of my brain had me wanting to run right out of there, but I followed her back through winding corridors in what was a truly large complex of offices and exam rooms and was greeted by a pleasant young woman who was about to become my coach and aide to getting through the exam. Most of the patients appeared to be older folks and it occurred to me just how common eye problems are. She put yellow drops in my eyes and started another pre-exam prior to meeting the doctor. 

I asked her what she was going to do exactly and it turned out that she would be getting right in front of my eye but not touching it with two different lights. That sounded easy enough, but when I had to hunch down and fit my chin and forehead into the contraption that lined me up it was uncomfortable and I remembered all of the tests I had done when I had major surgeries on my mouth and face years back. As she drew nearer to my eyes I found it impossible not to flinch and pull away. This went on for several minutes. Sweat was seeping out of every pore and my instinct to protect my eyes won for at least ten minutes before she was finally able to get a look at what was going on. 

She was really sweet. She talked to me about how this might be "my thing" and that every one had one. Hers was bridges. I had to agree that some bridges are intimidating. I happen to live near the tallest and largest extension bridge in the area and have to use it often. She asked what I did to calm myself to get over it and to try to do that for the test. She instructed me to focus on my breathing and to take deep breaths. Oh, I had no problem taking deep breaths alright, but unfortunately they were a result of stress and not a key to relaxation. When it was over I felt like someone had just drained all of my blood out. I was limp. Even though it did not hurt in the slightest, the experience tapped me out. 

I barely had a minute to gather myself when the surgeon came in. I had done my homework by looking up doctors and chose her instead of the surgeon I had been referred to. She has a great amount of impressive experience, has written several papers, and does charity work for children. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut. When I saw her picture online after reading about her and the clinic she works in I just had a feeling she was the right one for me. 

She was very nice and started almost immediately to do her own tests. What she did was very similar to what I had just gone through, in fact the first part of it was exactly what the aide had just done. It was the second part that sent me into an emotional spin. This time she had to place a lens over my eyes! There it was, something was going to touch my eyes! 

I wasn't just in a cold sweat, I started shaking. After several attempts I felt like I was about ready to pass out. I told her that maybe I needed to get something for anxiety and reschedule. She agreed that we could do that and that she wouldn't even charge me for today if I wanted to. How nice! But as I sat there considering it, I felt like a little child who just needed to bite my lip and allow the doctor to do what needed to be done. I really did not want to put myself through this again and I needed to know just where I stood on things with this threat to my vision. So I told her to give me a minute and that I would try my best to regroup, follow her instructions and trust her that this wasn't going to hurt. (Easier said than done.)

The aide came up behind me, held me firmly against the machine and started to comfort me by rubbing my back and speaking calming statements. It is a good thing she did because the minute I felt the lens touch my eye I'm sure I would have bolted right out of the chair if she hadn't. What a big baby I am, is all I could think. I tried to remember all of the horribly painful things I've been through before and how comparatively this was a piece of cake, but there was some sort of protect my eyes internal mechanism going on that I couldn't overcome. It took several attempts and the surgeon and aide were both patient angels in their process to get through it. 

Finally, it was over and I apologized profusely for being such a pain when in fact there was no pain involved in the procedure but only mild discomfort and fear of the unexpected. They were so nice about it but I have to believe they secretly thought I must be a basket case to have such extreme reactions. 

At any rate, the moment of truth had arrived and out came the model of the eye that the doctor used to show me what was going on. Even though I've researched narrow angle glaucoma extensively, this was still very helpful me to really visualize the condition. Yes, I have it. Yes, I have it in both eyes. Yes, I have to have surgery and soon or else I may find myself having emergency surgery in a situation that could cause major damage and even blindness. She described the procedure, told me that because I was a self pay that she could do it in their office rather than go to the surgery center downstairs and answered all of my many questions. She gave me a prescription for something to relax me prior to the surgeries, which there will be two of because she only does one eye at a time, and turned me loose to wait for the financial representative to go over the costs.

As I waited to be called into that office, I started praying and asked God to show me a way to cover these necessarily upcoming costs. All of my research told me that in my state I should expect it to run from $2,500 - $3,000 per eye. Not only is this not in the budget it is also outside of what I could so far determine how to come up with. I'm so tapped out financially that I'm already in a perilous position and even adding this to a credit card would be a challenge. My wheels were still spinning when I went in to discuss what it would come to. 

Here I found another really sweet, nice lady who was pleasant to work with. For sure I can say that personnel wise, this was one of the best experiences I'd ever had with any doctor visit in my entire life from start to finish. I watched her look things up and from across her desk, trying to read what she was writing upside down and backwards, I saw the figures 311 and 115 something. She said that the second eye is half price. At that point I was thinking it was going to be about $4,200 for both and that was less than I was expecting but still an issue to come up with. She left the room with her paperwork to find out what tests had been done for the day while I sat wondering how long it would take for me to figure this out and make an appointment. The doctor made it clear that I should not wait more than a couple of months. 

When she returned, she handed me the charge for the day which was around $150.00 because I was a new patent and for the tests that had been done and then she handed me the cost of the surgeries, which to my utter surprise was not in the thousands but in the hundreds! The cost for both eyes will be right around $500! I was shocked. Apparently being self pay and staying out of the surgery center was the key. I won't go into thoughts about this and what it indicates for those with insurance because I am just too darn thankful at this point to care. Amazing! 

I have my first appointment scheduled for July 21st. 

Afterward, I and my driver went to Copelands for lunch and I even ordered a beer to go along with my shrimp and crab cake Alfredo. I needed to wind down and the food and beer helped a lot. The bannana cream foster dessert helped too.  

I passed out in the car, came home and barely remember going straight to bed exhausted. I woke up shortly after midnight and couldn't go back to sleep for thinking about all of it. I decided to write this blog to help me sort it out and because I know several friends and family who have been praying for me would like to know what happened. Even though they probably aren't interested in every detail provided, maybe a reader who is about to go through the same thing will find this and it will answer their questions or let them know they are not alone in their fear of eye doctors and surgeries. 

Now all I have to do is get through the surgeries themselves. Luckily I have time to prepare for them! I'll just be hoping I don't have an emergency situation in the mean time and that I'll be in better control of myself when it is time. 

Thank you! To God and to all who have prayed for me. Prayers have been answered. God is good!

Copyright 2014 Wanda Hope Carter All rights not otherwise assigned are reserved. No duplication without express written permission.